So the night after my last blog Master joined us in the room and Emily had to leave as she was busy with work, anyway I stayed in the room with him for an hour without any words spoken at all, as the time dragged on I got more and more uncomfortable and started to panic, so I ended up leaving the room without saying a word, which filled me with guilt and even now I blame myself.
The day after I fell ill, so not much happened, things started to chance in the family, as Master is no longer part of it, and Emily has taken over, which makes me happy but at the same time I can't help but feel because of my shyness and fear of people is to blame for him going.
Has the week when on people started telling me that they are worried about me, I don't know how to handle that, I spent so long cut off from all human contact and not trusting anyone, and now I've just learn that I can trust some people I have to find away to cope with people caring and worrying about me without running back to the cell I build myself.
Brings me to yesterday which all my fears and self hate came out and I was so weak that they couldn't keep them buried, and I couldn't act happy or just fine, and once again I had people worrying about me, and not being-able to understand that emotionally, all I could see was that I was hurting people, which was to me prove that I am nothing more than a parasite sucking the joy out of everybody that comes in contact with me. I wished I deserved to die last night I was feeling so weak, if it wasn't for those that love me and whom I love back, I may of tried something stupid...I wanted to bleed so bad.
As the night when on I did act as I was feeling better, but it always feels like an act, there is one person that makes me smile and in them times I am truly happy, and it gives me a tiny bit of hope for tomorrow not being like today. I love her I really do...it was something I never thought I would have again, then comes along Emily and steels my heart.
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