I have been up and down the past thought days, there has been some interesting chats between Emily and I, one that has stuck in my mind is about punishments and if I should be given them, as She is worried that they may do more harm then good. I didn't know how to reply and I still don't, I don't like punishments or rather i don't like the feelings they bring out of me....it like break my mask, the one i wear for myself so just for a while the things that i feel towards myself i can act like they don't exist, but on the other hand maybe it's what I need to be forced to face these things and get over them. But I really don't know what is right, maybe there is someone we can ask, maybe a post on fetlife or something.....
Then yesterday a person dear to both Emily and i was really down and i didn't know how to help him, I hope i did....all i can say is that i have done what i thought was right. Also got to meet some of Emily's friends and enjoyed talking with them.
Towards the end of the night I began to become depressed with the med's messing up my head and body issues, began to remember how much I hate myself, and the more I heard something nice the worst I felt about myself....I don't understand it.....I don't get why i cant be happy when someone says something nice to me....Am i really this much of a freak?......Am I just incapable of being, feeling normal?.....Why do people care and love for me?.....I just don't understand it......"sighs"
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