So lets start on Saturday, after a few hours sleep, I woke up with a feeling of guilt and that I failed myself, because I wasn't any longer going to the fet-market and after party, and know it wasn't my fault and I understand that, but it still felt like I broke a promise to my Domme... and know I She understood but the feeling was still there.
On the night W/we spent it alone, and She gave me my own room in Her place, and I was so happy, that I really had a few tears run from my eyes. As the night went on I found myself falling for Her more and more. There was something happen with one of her friends, which made me sad that I was with Her to just hold Her and listen to Her. But She found a way to hmm take Her mind from it which I was very happy to help with ~winks~. After that we played the question game, which I found very fun as we learn more about each other, it filled me with happiness and joy.
On Sunday, I woke up wishing that I was at the fet-market but now feeling ok that I wasn't able to get there, still had a little guilt that I broke my promise and had a part of me that wanted to be punished for it, but I also know that if I was to be punished it wouldn't mean a thing as it wasn't a reason that I could control, there for there was nothing to be corrected... As the day when on my mood began to drop and thoughts of cutting myself set in as I began to feel worthless, but did things to break out of that feeling, I ate and took the dog for a walk, which made me feel a little better. Then I sore that my Domme was online so I when to join Her, and it filled me with happiness to be with her again, but shortly later I became very sleepy and had to go off to get more sleep, and I felt bad that I had to leave so soon. As soon as I woke back up I came back online to see that I missed Her....and the 1st thought that came into my head was that I did something wrong, then I took some breaths and thought that She must be busy with family things. As the night when on we played with another which was fun...even know I wasn't really paying that much attention because I was working on creating something, but I see that she called this other person her boi which made me feel a little upset, it didn't last long at all but I felt guilty for feeling like this even if it was only for a minute. As the night when on I started a chat about sizes and the other guy when really down after that, and I felt really bad as in I caused it, and know I couldn't help him, I think that I helped my Domme feel better. Shortly after that I when to bed but couldn't sleep, I had as normal lots of thoughts running though my head, of things I felt I messed up on and how I could of done things better.
I woke up today feeling very low and cried at one point...at this time I got a blade out and held it against my skin, but I didn't cut as I made a promise not to cut myself, on top of that I now feel like I have a reason to keep myself well, and being the best I can. So I go take a bath and a little walk. By the time I come online and see those I care for, I am no longer feeling down just blah about things, so I start to play and my Domme tells me that if I don't wanna play that's ok She will understand, which makes me happy because once again She as showed that she cares for me, so we start to play when I get a call, and given some bad news, which made it hard to play, but I wasn't about to ruin anyone's fun, and as the person that was in control doesn't feel like he is any good at being in control and couldn't hurt him, and for the time we played he helped me to forget things. When it was done I keep having thoughts that I deserve what is happening and if it does happen then I'm the only one to blame. So I go very quite and then I start feeling guilty because there are others in the room and I fear that my mood will bring there's down, on top of all this when ever I'm down I feel bad for feeling this way, as round the world there are many people worst off than me, and that I have no rights to feel this way.
No comments:
Post a Comment