Journal 05

The weekend I didn't get much sleep at all, so all my emotions was a little out of control by last night, and I went backwards and found myself wanting to feel pain to take another pain away.  As much as I'm reinsurance I can't shake this feeling that Skye is trying to take Emily away from me, and it makes me  feel sick and hurt, I try to hide these feeling for both there sake's but last night I couldn't and I ended up hurting Emily....and I think tryst.  I also have a fear that Skye may hurt Emily again, and that Skye blames me for us all leaving, and she is planing on trying to steel Emily back, and the boi's, making it like it was before I turned up.

I feel like don't deserve to be loved, that my heart should be ripped out and bleed dry, so that I can no longer cause anyone pain.   Bleeding sounds really good to me right now.  I have one good thing in my life and my stupid fucking depression and the lack of control of my emotion's, are going to end up pushing her away, and on top of it all I can't eat....I try but I just can't bring myself to sallow.

Journal 04

Really don't have much too say. The past few days I have felt ok, same old worry's but most the time I have been able to keep they buried, where they should be.  There has been Emily feeling sick and I worry for her, but it's a good worry, a worry that shows I am still alive and I can love.  There is also tryst with his depression and back issues, that have me worrying, but it feels good that he can talk to me, and I know it's selfish but doesn't change that I wish him to be happy.  I don't understand Emily's "new" relationship as hard as I'm trying, but it makes her happy so I will continue to try and understand and from what I can see SLR need's her too, so both there sake's I will play my part... Despite my lack of understanding I am happy that SLR has Emily to help thought the changes she's going thought.  Anyway that's all from me.  

Journal 03

I have been up and down the past thought days, there has been some interesting chats between Emily and I, one that has stuck in my mind is about punishments and if I should be given them, as She is worried that they may do more harm then good.  I didn't know how to reply and I still don't, I don't like punishments or rather i don't like the feelings they bring out of me....it like break my mask, the one i wear for myself so just for a while the things that i feel towards myself i can act like they don't exist,  but on the other hand maybe it's what I need to be forced to face these things and get over them.  But I really don't know what is right,  maybe there is someone we can ask, maybe a post on fetlife or something.....

Then yesterday a person dear to both Emily and i was really down and i didn't know  how to help him, I hope i did....all i can say is that i have done what i thought was right.  Also got to meet some of Emily's friends and enjoyed talking with them.

Towards the end of the night I began to become depressed with the med's messing up my head and body issues,  began to remember how much I hate myself, and the more I heard something nice the worst I felt about myself....I don't understand it.....I don't get why i cant be happy when someone says something nice to me....Am i really this much of a freak?......Am I just incapable of being, feeling normal?.....Why do people care and love for me?.....I just don't understand it......"sighs" 

Journal part 2

Since my last post I have been ill, so not much has happened but will try to recount the best I can.

So the night after my last blog Master joined us in the room and Emily had to leave as she was busy with work, anyway I stayed in the room with him for an hour without any words spoken at all, as the time dragged on I got more and more uncomfortable and started to panic, so I ended up leaving the room without saying a word, which filled me with guilt and even now I blame myself.   

The day after I fell ill, so not much happened, things started to chance in the family, as Master is no longer part of it, and Emily has taken over, which makes me happy but at the same time I can't help but feel because of my shyness and fear of people is to blame for him going.    

Has the week when on people started telling me that they are worried about me,  I don't know how to handle that, I spent so long cut off from all human contact and not trusting anyone, and now I've just learn that I can trust some people I have to find away to cope with people caring and worrying about me without running back to the cell I build myself.

Brings me to yesterday which all my fears and self hate came out and I was so weak that they couldn't keep them buried, and I couldn't act happy or just fine, and once again I had people worrying about me, and not being-able to understand that emotionally, all I could see was that I was hurting people, which was to me prove that I am nothing more than a parasite sucking the joy out of everybody that comes in contact with me. I wished I deserved to die last night I was feeling so weak, if it wasn't for those that love me and whom I love back, I may of tried something stupid...I wanted to bleed so bad.   

As the night when on I did act as I was feeling better, but it always feels like an act, there is one person that makes me smile and in them times I am truly happy, and it gives me a tiny bit of hope for tomorrow not being like today.  I love her I really do...it was something I never thought I would have again, then comes along Emily and steels my heart.  

Journal day 1

So lets start on Saturday, after a few hours sleep, I woke up with a feeling of guilt and that I failed myself, because I wasn't any longer going to the fet-market and after party, and know it wasn't my fault and I understand that, but it still felt like I broke a promise to my Domme... and know I She understood but the feeling was still there.

On the night W/we spent it alone, and She gave me my own room in Her place, and I was so happy, that I really had a few tears run from my eyes. As the night went on I found myself falling for Her more and more.  There was something happen with one of her friends, which made me sad that I was with Her to just hold Her and listen to Her.  But She found a way to hmm take Her mind from it which I was very happy to help with ~winks~.  After that we played the question game, which I found very fun as we learn more about each other, it filled me with happiness and joy.

On Sunday, I woke up wishing that I was at the fet-market but now feeling ok that I wasn't able to get there, still had a little guilt that I broke my promise and had a part of me that wanted to be punished for it, but I also know that if I was to be punished it wouldn't mean a thing as it wasn't a reason that I could control, there for there was nothing to be corrected... As the day when on my mood began to drop and thoughts of cutting myself set in as I began to feel worthless, but did things to break out of that feeling, I ate and took the dog for a walk, which made me feel a little better.   Then I sore that my Domme was online so I when to join Her, and it filled me with happiness to be with her again, but shortly later I became very sleepy and had to go off to get more sleep, and I felt bad that I had to leave so soon.  As soon as I woke back up I came back online to see that I missed Her....and the 1st thought that came into my head was that I did something wrong, then I took some breaths and thought that She must be busy with family things.  As the night when on we played with another which was fun...even know I wasn't really paying that much attention  because I was working on creating something, but I see that she called this other person her boi which made me feel a little upset, it didn't last long at all but I felt guilty for feeling like this even if it was only for a minute.   As the night when on I started a chat about sizes and the other guy when really down after that, and I felt really bad as in I caused it, and know I couldn't help him, I think that I helped my Domme feel better.  Shortly after that I when to bed but couldn't sleep, I had as normal lots of thoughts running though my head, of things I felt I messed up on and how I could of done things better.

I woke up today feeling very low and cried at one point...at this time I got a blade out and held it against my skin, but I didn't cut as I made a promise not to cut myself,  on top of that I now feel like I have a reason to keep myself well, and being the best I can.  So I go take a bath and a little walk.  By the time I come online and see those I care for, I am no longer feeling down just blah about things, so I start to play and my Domme tells me that if I don't wanna play that's ok She will understand, which makes me happy because once again She as showed that she cares for me, so we start to play when I get a call, and given some bad news, which made it hard to play, but I wasn't about to ruin anyone's fun, and as the person that was in control doesn't feel like he is any good at being in control and couldn't hurt him, and for the time we played he helped me to forget things. When it was done I keep having thoughts that I deserve  what is happening and if it does happen then I'm the only one to blame.  So I go very quite and then I start feeling guilty because there are others in the room and I fear that my mood will bring there's down, on top of all this when ever I'm down I feel bad for feeling this way, as round the world there are many people worst off than me, and that I have no rights to feel this way.